Recovery from toxic leadership

 

Being a leader in a school is incredibly difficult. I know. I have done it. The vast majority of leaders I have worked with have been incredible; they dedicate their careers to serving the students and communities they work with and somehow still find the energy to support their colleagues. 

However, I would see myself as someone who is still in remission - even seven years after escaping the pervasive Machiavellian bullying of a former leader I worked with. I wanted to write about this so that those who may see me on Twitter as someone who has all of their 'shit' together and is successful can see how very nearly broken I was by this person and how coming out of the other side is possible.

The person who bullied me was very clever. It started with leaving me out of things when they visited the department; having a laugh in another teacher's room with the rest of the team really loudly while I was sat alone in my room, eating my sandwiches. Uninvited. 

Then my lesson observations were never good enough. I had always had brilliant feedback during my training, the students loved my lessons and I got excellent results, so I couldn't understand why when this person observed me I was so rubbish. The feedback was always very personal as well. They didn't like the way I had said things etc, not really anything to do with actual pedagogy. 

The Head and Deputy really rated me, so quite early on in my career, when the opportunity to step up as Second in Department happened, I was invited to apply and quickly got it. I worked really well with the Head of English and we had a close bond. This leader constantly questioned my choices and belittled me in front of the whole team. When the school went into a category, the HoD left and it was left to me to pick up the pieces. This is where the bullying really ramped up.

From midnight emails telling me that data was needed at 8:30am the next morning to screaming at me like a child in their office, there wasn't really a day where I wasn't in tears. The worst occasion was where they told me one lunch that my whole team hated me and that I was making their life a living hell. This upset me that I was in absolute hysterics weeping on my lunch. Members of the team came in to see me and were horrified that I had been told this as it was not what they had said at all. Then the manipulation started. Every time they would make me cry, the next day they would buy me a gift, like a box of chocolates or bring a postcard in to say I was doing great. At the same time, I was struggling through infertility and had gone through seven miscarriages. I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

I wasn't the only one. All the staff and SLT knew how awful this person was. They had colleagues who were in their gang who they engineered opportunities for and colleagues they took against, whose lives they made a living hell. It shocks me that they allowed this to go on and turned a blind eye as they were their mates. 

I was close to suicide. One weekend, after working most of the day marking Controlled Assessments from four year 11 classes - two of which didn't have teachers due to long term absence - I realised I couldn't take it much more and when I started to think of ways I could kill myself causing the least fuss to my family, I knew I had to get out. So I did - to a brilliant school where I have loved working. This person got their comeuppance as complaints from numerous were finally listened to.

But even when I started at my new school I couldn't relax. I was suspicious of the leadership and my colleagues. It took months to feel that they didn't have hidden agendas or that they weren't going to suddenly turn on me. The scars from bullying and gaslighting run deep. 

I did see the person in question once more after I had left the school at an event of one of my ex-colleagues. I told them I was doing really well at my new school and that I was thinking about applying for a pastoral role. They laughed in my face and when I questioned why they were laughing, they continued to laugh and shake their head and then looked away and began talking to somebody else. After that, I blocked them on all social media. I didn't want to even see their face when they commented on a mutual friend's post.

Now not far off a decade later and I have written about my experiences in my book, Preserving Positivity.  I didn't write it for attention but it was really cathartic. I wanted to help the millions of other experienced teachers who are damaged by toxic leadership realise that it isn't them and that not all leaders and schools are like this.

In September, I am due to start a very senior role in an education company and will be lecturing future teachers, alongside book writing, global CPD speaking engagements and running workshops in school. I can finally say that I am slowly building back my confidence. 

If you are reading this and nodding along, solidarity. Get out of that school. It may take time but there is light at the end of the tunnel.